Phone call to Demolition News Towers – Elaborate prank or lunatic on the loose?
The phone rang at Demolition News Towers about half an hour ago. Nothing unusual in that; damn thing rings all the time. But the content of the subsequent phone call has us wondering if the guy on the other end of the line was a suicidal maniac or whether we have just been the subject of a telephone prank.
As the phone call itself was more of an enquiry, we didn’t actually start making notes until about a third of the way through. So what you’re about to read is only an approximation of what was said. But the gist is 100 percent accurate:
Caller: We want to demolish a house and we understand you might be able to help.
DemolitionNews: Well, we don’t actually DO demolition ourselves, but I am sure we can point you in the right direction.
Caller: Oh that’s fine. We don’t want you to do the demolition. We just want you to tell us how.
DemolitionNews: Tell you how?
Caller: Well, not exactly. We have been told that you know where we can get some guidance notes on demolition.
DemolitionNews: Oh, I see. Well, the National Federation of Demolition Contractors has produced a whole series of guidance notes.
Caller: Great. Is there one on knocking a house down?
DemolitionNews: No. These are technical guides for experienced demolition contractors involved in very specific demolition tasks.
Caller: Oh our house isn’t technical. We just want a leaflet that says how we should knock it down.
DemolitionNews: Hang on, you’re not planning to do this work yourself are you?
Caller: Yes. It’s only a small house.
DemolitionNews: [beginning to wonder if this is for real] It doesn’t matter how small it is. Demolition is a very complex and demanding process. Have you taken into account planning, health and safety, asbestos, the equipment you’ll need…?
Caller: Equipment? What equipment?
DemolitionNews: The equipment needed to tackle the demolition. It’s not all sledgehammers these days you know!
Caller: Any idea where we can borrow this equipment then. We’re near Sheffield.
DemolitionNews: Borrow! You don’t borrow this equipment. You either own it or you hire it.
Caller: We weren’t looking to pay for it. We’re doing this on a budget.
DemolitionNews: But you could kill yourself. Are you aware of the hazards?
Caller: Well we’ve seen a few demolition accidents on YouTube but they’re usually on great big buildings. Ours is only small.
DemolitionNews: Please tell me you’re joking.
Caller: I’m not joking. It’s like car mechanics…
DemolitionNews: [confused] Car Mechanics?
Caller: Yeah. You take your car to a garage to get it fixed and they charge you a fortune. But if you know what you’re doing, you can usually fix it yourself for nothing.
DemolitionNews: [exasperated] But you don’t know what you’re doing!!
Caller: I know. That’s why we want one of these guides of yours.
DemolitionNews: Look, I will gladly give you the telephone number of the NFDC but they will tell you exactly what I am telling you. You can’t do this work yourself.
Caller: You would say that. Why should I pay someone to do what I can do?
DemolitionNews: But you can’t do it!! Please, give me your number and I’ll get someone to call you with some professional advice.
Caller: Don’t bother. They’ll just try to sell me their services and, like I said, I am working to a budget here…..
If this was a telephone prank and you are the perpetrator, well done; we fell for it hook, line and sinker. In fact, we were genuinely worried for the guy’s safety. If, however, this proves to be genuine, expect a demolition accident involving a borrowed digger to hit the headlines in Sheffield some time soon.
